


Way down we go

by Stewolf



Category: Football RPF
Genre: Alternate Universe - High School, Angst, Cutting, Friends to Lovers, M/M, Self-Harm
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-03-01
Updated: 2017-03-05
Packaged: 2018-09-27 18:38:21
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 2
Words: 2,770
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10038824
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Stewolf/pseuds/Stewolf
Summary: Thomas the funny guy of the group has a different face that covers his troubles with himself. Can someone notice this before Thomas will make one step to close to his own end?





	1. Prologue - The way to end

**Author's Note:**

> Sorry with being inactive. I have so much work now and my writing block got very strong.  
> I hope I'll be able to update soon :)

Thomas wasn't sure why he did that at first. He wasn't suppose to do it, not only because it was a bad thing. He wasn't a stereotypical person for this type of stuff. He had family, they loved him and so he had friends. He met with them often, looking like he enjoyed life. He had rather good life. At least that's how it looked in other's eyes.

But yet he did it.

By accident at the first time. Later it wasn't accidental anymore.

Back then there was no way back. Thomas stepped on a hard route that seemed impossible to step off. It was alone and hard way to go. Sometimes it was vanishing, sometimes it changed into a true hell, a fire burning every cell of his body even though he wasn't really on fire.

Doing this was suppose to bring him a feeling of relief - that was what some psychologist in pseudo scientific internet forum wrote which Thomas read while looking for understanding of his actions. In the end it wasn't doing this. It made him feel worse but still he couldn't stop with it permanently. It was always coming back. Even after years of trying not to do so.

 

He was sitting in his room alone. Sad music filled the emptiness of air around him. Everything was so dull and grayish even with redness of Bayern's posters and other fan's stuff around him. Thomas felt like nothing had a reason. Especially after short fight with his parents - a rather stupid one. Just about cleaning his room. Really it had no seanse at all. But he felt bad and frustrated. It intensed after hard day at school with getting bad mark from math (that he could change by writing test again). Yet it upset him more.

Whole day he felt ignored by his friends. At some point he hid his face in the phone, waiting for lessons to end. Lucky there was no football pratice that day.  
“Fuck everything” his irises were looking at the razor between his fingers. Black, small and so thin. How could thing like that be deadly? How could it drain liquid of life from human's veins?  
Thomas couldn't hold it anymore. Small move was enough and drip of blood showed off on his arm.

And there were more to come...


	2. You let your fear run wild

That day was dark and looked unpleasant for Thomas as he got out from his dad's car. Big hoodie with Bayern's logo on it made him stand out in the crowd but no one really looked at him. Each one of people there were rushing to get to their destination and thinking about young, thin teen boy wasn't really their thing. Thomas felt that and so he looked down on his feet. He hoped to get away from there as soon as possible. He wasn't feeling like going to school that day. He felt too sad and scars on his hips only worsen everything. They were fresh and hurt and so he wasn't feeling better with this state of mind he was in that day. Also he had football practice with his high school team ahead and that made him feel anxious. What if someone will spot his wounds? Last thing he wanted was to end up in principal office and get his parents informed about this. Besides school nurse is annoying and he hates her. She never knew how to help her students!

“Hi” Jonas showed up next to him. Black hoodie and big glasses were the common thing for him, He was a new kid who replaced their former captain on the defence. Jo was a nice guy once you got through his barriers and Thomas did it pretty easily. Well normally it wasn't easy when someone saw him only as a dork with lame jokes but he and Jo had a secret connection. Thomas wasn't blind and he could see stuff in Jonas that he was afraid to ask about. But he felt Jonas might understand him and so he could understand him as well. In the end their new friendship was nice and relieving. Jo wasn't judging him and that felt refreshing for young man. 

They entered their big school's building slowly heading to their lockers to change clothes. Thomas put on his old but cool converse that he loved a lot. They were red and matched Bayern’s colours. Soon next to him showed up his good friend Manu who was at his last year of study in this hell hole. Wide armed, tall guy with chubby face reminded him a baby cherubin-Cupid thing that took too many grow hormones. Well girls used to say Manu is very cute. He also happened to be their new captain after the old one named Philipp graduated lately.

“Good to see ya” they greeted with a big, warm hug that made Thomas’ face disappear in big muscles. As Manuel left his jacket in locker and changed shoes, slowly they headed to the stairs. On their walk they they walked past Jerome who waved to them and Thiago who tried to take off his hoodie but got stuck in the process. Thomas shook his head and walked over to him to help with this. 

“Thanks” Thiago smiled to him widely and kinda devilishly like he always used to. He was just a typical bad boy who was afraid only of Philipp once he was getting angry. “How are you?” 

“I'm fine and you?” Thomas forced himself to smile. Even if he was rotting inside no one needed to know this. Besides it would be rude not to smile, right? Right?...

“Cool! I was at the concert with my brother yesterday and it was amazing!” Smaller guy started his monologue and Thomas simply nodded his head while leaning against someone's locker. He got half of the stuff that Thiago was saying as his mind took off thinking about what would happened if he would spot what Thomas hides under so many layers of his clothing. Would he be angry? Or moved away from him? How can someone react to a person who hurts themselves on purpose? Thomas had no idea so he still kept it as a secret. Once he told someone and that person ignored it. Simply ignored it. Why? Why no one can help him? That was a question of his life.

“Hey, you’re ok?” Thiago touched his arm and Thomas shook his head. 

“Yeah.. I just wasn’t sleeping well” he rubbed back of his head. “I need to go, sorry” Quick turn and he got himself on the stairs leading him on upper levels of this school. Lesson one: math. Could been worse? No.

Thomas tried to walk past some pack of girls but they took whole stairs for themselves and walked so slowly that turtle could been faster. But they seemed like one, happy mass in which Thomas would never been able to match. He felt like a dark, unimportant element that got lost and he simply wasn’t one of this whole puzzle in which he was forced to exist. His teeth digged in his lip as he reached another floor. Why still no one spotted what he was doing? Of course it wasn’t happening all the time but when he did it often one of cuts showed off on his arm on somewhere on his shoulder. And he wasn’t a fan of cats to allow one to scratch himself. Just… Thomas wasn’t getting this. Seriously is everyone blind? Or no one really cared? 

Well… no one really see us bleed. And he was sure with this one because he felt guilty when he wasn’t able to his friends’ suffer. How many people around him had some family dilemma? Or heart, or whatever ones. Why he was blind for this? 

 

Whole day went him by curling in his seat hoping that teachers won’t see him. Right before him were sitting his two friends from the football team: Robert the goal machine and Mats the weird beard guy. Two most desired boys at school. Athletic, handsome, tall and other stuff that Thomas thought that girls like. Each time Robert scored a goal during the game they were almost fainting from excitement. And they did it once he took off his shirt. Well… it’s just Robert being himself. He loved their attention and sometimes he was even showing off a bit in the game to get more attention from people on tribunes. Thankfully he never crossed the line to not fuck up the play. Mats on the other hand was a bit more toned down. He was calmer and more mysterious, but Thomas’ knew his more arrogant side. Mats just like Robert loved when people payed attention to him, when someone adored him and so on. But on the other hand he could be dorky enough to wear t-shirt with ice cream emoji, thinking that’s cool. 

But Thomas liked that t-shirt secretly. He used to like Mats more than needed but in the end nothing came out from this. Well maybe because he kept this for himself. Mats for sure was very tolerant and nice person and he wouldn’t kill him or laugh about this little crush, but Thomas was scared. And so it used to made him feel very upset. 

 

Benni was running around the locker room in search for his socks or something. Thomas could beth it as a joke from Thiago who was grinning since Benedikt started to make circles around. Dummy…

Thomas felt some sort of annoyance that people were really this blind. Of course his scars on hips were covered by his boxers but the two or three one or arm not and so he expected someone to ask. That was one of his weirdest confusions about what was he doing. Because he wanted someone to see this and help him, but on the other hand he was afraid what they will say and - even worse - that they will stop him. Is that how addicted person feels like? Is that what he’s doing an addiction? Too many question were in his mind and sometimes he was afraid to ask for an explanation.

“Hi” his tall friend and captain Manu showed up next to him and Thomas jumped scared. Quickly he got his shirt on and turned to the big guy.

“Hi” he faked a smile again and ruffled his hair nervously.

“Ready for practice?” Manuel took off his clothes to put on golie’s training suit. He had brand new gloves that looked amazing. Their colours were attracting eyes and felt comfortable to look at. It was a waste to use them… they were too good looking.

“As always.. Cool gloves. Can I see them?” 

“Sure” Manuel gave them to him and kneeled down to tie his shoes. Thomas looked at them with a small smile. They were really cool! He could get himself ones like this to hang them on the wall as a nice decoration. It would be nicer from a plants that he didn’t knew how to take care of. Last one he tried to keep alive got all yellow and brown and so his mother needed to explain him that giving it water once for a year is not enough,

“Hey, Thomas! Are you going to be our new goalie or what?” Mats walked in and already started to joke.

“Yeah. I’m taking Manu’s place” Thomas turned to him.

“What? No!” Manu stood up quickly.

“I’ve thought you would rather be a striker, Manu” Mats grinned widely.    
“It’s my job, dummy” Robert ruffled Mats hair who sweared and pushed him away. “Wow so aggressive, bro.”

Just as Mats wanted to tell him something rude, Benedikt jumped between them to take his socks from the ground. “Here they are!” 

Both Lewy and Mats looked at each other and bursted out in laughter, that was followed by Manu and other besides Thomas and Benedikt. Second one looked at laughing people confused. “Why are you laughing?”   
Thomas eyes turned to Jonas who walked in with his bag on shoulder. Jo opened his locker and pushed his stuff there with a bit of a trouble. So many books he had with him… Thomas was admiring his spine that it was able to carry so much. Just as he took off his long sleeved shirt Thomas’ eyes turned to faded scars on his arms. He always saw them and never asked. Jonas acted the same towards him and Thomas could give almost all his money that Jo spotted his own ones that young striker was trying to hide so desperately. 

But no one asked. They made quiet agreement about this.

 

Practice was the only thing that made him feel a bit better but lately he had big troubles to score anything. At small game they made that day Mats and Manu were able to save each of his attempts and Thomas was getting more and more frustrated by this. Arturo who passed the ball to him this time got mad once Thomas failed again and he wasn’t able to hold himself anymore. He walked to Thomas to literally push him hard and growl furiously something about him being useless. Well… That’s how Thomas felt in the end. 

Second later Mats and Robert jumped between them. Mats pushed Arturo and Robert covered taller guy with his own body. His eyes turned to Thomas’ who looked down on his face. So much care was in this lazur, big eyes and that made his insides turn in a weird way. Why he had never spot this before?    
“Are you ok?” he asked softly.

“Yeah.. I’m fine” he moved back. Thankfully Arturo calmed down but obviously he was still  very angry at him. Couch walked to them and with his usual calmness he told something to Arturo who looked down and just took his words without saying anything.

After the game he gathered all boys to give them instructions for upcoming game. He showed them planned line-up and Thomas saw with his heart getting froze that he was nowhere there. Just the bench. Even if he heard something that he needs a rest and bla bla bla, Thomas felt like it was a punch in his stomach. A very painful one. Without saying anything he nodded his head and looked down. His mind made him feel sad, very sad. Skin on his arms inched a bit and he already felt a deep argue to do something what he will regret later. As quickly as couch stopped talking, Thomas rushed to his lockers and changed faster than everyone around him. He had enough for today. Before Lewy reached him and say something, Thomas walked past him and rushed for his bus. Robert was left with his mouth opened, ready to speak up and confused look that followed Thomas. 

 

Dinner went in awkward silence for Thomas and his parents. Mostly they looked at the TV, listening to some news and Simon secretly gave a bit of his meat to one of their dogs. As soon as they finished eating, Thomas went to his room and jumped on top of his bed. Tears showed up in his eyes… why he is such a failure? Where was his sense of humour? This big, warm smile? Where?! He wasn’t able to control bad emotions filling him from the inside. It was hard to keep himself with each passing day.

He turned on some sad music, because nothing else would match his current state of mind. And so he just laid there and tried to calm himself, but tears rushed down his cheeks. It won’t get better and he knew that. Automatically his hand moved to his bedside cabinet to take small razor he kept there. It was small and black, with a few letter on it that said the company's name. It was rather old - he found it somewhere in the house. Maybe his father used to shave with it back at some old, ancient times?

Now it was in his hands. Thomas turned it around and slowly moved his shirt up. 

Maybe he shouldn’t? But who will stop him? No one will walk in his room and stop this. And so he brought the razor closer. 

 

Hot water hit his back as he slowly washed himself. Thomas kept his eyes close as he washed itching and swollen cuts on his sides. He was such a failure… 

When he was laying down in bed he was secretly hoping he will be able to wake up happy again and not again sad and desperate to stay alone forever.


End file.
